dude i totally did the walk last night came out of her room to see her dad sitting there straight lookin at me...wtf
hey can i ask you a kinda weird question?
i know what the question is. yes they are bigger, and no i did not get plastic surgery
just rolled a joint with wrapping paper.. and you say i have no christmas spirit
Completly hung over at midnight, I knew there was a downside to drinking at 2pm
You kept tellin the cashier that this order was "To Go" over and over...even tho we were in the drive-thru
When I find myself drinking from a boot I just go with it and refuse to ask why.
90 persent of me said don't pee on that fake plant. Buyt i did
Best part of being a cop: When I showed up at Thanksgiving with stitches in my head I could tell them I was "protecting and serving" not "drinking and falling down". Career validated.
You went to jail last night?!
Just a little bit.
Neighbor who got arrested at 3am just said he'd split the $ with me if I testify as the witness in his police brutality trial. He was also holding a baby and a case of beer.
I thought monday through wednesday was a YOLO free zone.
When I see myself in tank tops and push up bras I seriously wonder why I'm not President.
Please don't call my dad a fuckpuppet, I feel like that would be awkward to explain later.
Her four year old daughter walked up to me grabbed my junk and said "this will be in mommy later." Wtf?
I snuck in through the doggy door to get his vodka. Do you think my ex will know?
Randomize
