You admitted to me in secrecy that you want to jerk off a unicorn.
I decided it would be a good time to smoke on one of my deliveries but then I got the munchies and ate a piece of the pizza I was freaking out so I told him it was our new pacman pizza
Last day of classes. 1st day attending every class. I'm proud of myself
... They left for 10 minutes and came back with a lobster he's in the toilet downstairs
Do you remember Kelly my alter personality? She talked like a man and would sing amazing grace?
Would you even take no as an answer? I have a feeling you see it more as a challenge.
Whiskey??
It will be at least another 6 weeks before I say yes again. I'm bruised. I stole sex cards and a really nice pocket knife. I acquired a vial of my own blood. Talk about a yard sale...
I wanted him to come me this time. So I told him last time I was in the city I hit a lady on the head with an inflatable Santa Claus and just found out that the restraining order she requested against me was granted. We never hung out.
This is your morning-after text courtesy of your very confused friend!! :) To discuss "what the hell were you trying to tell me last night," press 1. To laugh over your drunken antics, press 2. To pretend like none of it even happened (or to respond with concurrent confusion because you have no idea), press 3.
No he can't come. I swear to gods he's "Why We Can't Have Nice Things" given physical form.
for not the first time in my life, my clothes are covered in piss and i'm standing in line waiting to buy pedialyte at a convenience store
Just showed my drunk fiancé where I got circumcised, she's been crying for twenty minutes.
i look like i'm walk-of-shaming but i'm really showered and re-clothed and rallying. i fool everyone
You can only use the "she handcuffed me naked to your bed, i couldn't do anything, sorry bro" excuse once.
You have a tempurpedic. you only have you to blame.
yeah, last night we handcuffed you and you started crying saying that you weren't a bad person
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