and that's why we call him explosion in my pants. no one remembers his real name.
Remind me that when I'm pregnant, I should NOT post vaginal dilation updates on my facebook. Ever.
I just recorded courtney puking and set it as my ringtone.
Just promise me you won't ring in the new decade by clutching onto a toilet
He was sitting cross legged outside his tent repeatedly hitting the ground with a hammer and shouting 'this.is.a.good.idea.'
I'm sorry that I ate boneless ribs off of your sister, but that is no reason to drink my alcohol.
The worst that could happen is you end up with a black eye and I get laid.. I'm okay with my end of that bargain.
I forgot how weird my hair bleaches and now I'm a calico
You can wake up to my rainbow of failure
I woke up with a dread of barbecue sauce in my hair. Drunk munchies makes me a disgusting person.
People are talking politics and I have had 9 mimosas
If I don't get struck by a lightning bolt from God by midnight it will be a Christmas miracle.
That's brilliant but could get us arrested. Give me shots until I shout LET'S DO THIS
Dont worry, the Canadians are more afraid of you then you are of them.
I paid for lunch, then he made a bunch of holes in my wall and destroyed my bathroom.
fyi my negative pregnancy test is taped to the fridge...i'll take it over an A+ any day. be proud.
Randomize