I just wiped my face with a slice of bread. Lowest point of the night.
I need a second opinion on who's blood is in my car.
I really hope that wasn't actually his first time. Because if my first time was anything like that I would NEVER have sex again.
I can honestly say I've never had orange soda poured on my vagina before, that's a story for the grand kids
cheese fries, coffee, with a side of dry heaving in the bathroom at the diner on campus at 5am. never felt better.
Try not to get arrested for it, but otherwise i support you
He's CUTE. and foreign
If you ever insult pizza rolls again, I will dragon kick you in the throat
When that bartender tried to tell us he sang like Sade, I knew it was time to go
I ate icecream cake off your tits for my birthday, if that's not love I don't know what is.
Please tell me I was just dreaming when I asked if I could borrow your jesus dildo
I'm cooling my balls with a beer because I'm too cheap to turn on the AC
I learned a valuable lesson about combining day drinking with malt liquor: you may think you have super powers, but that's just the Steel Reserve talking.
You started yelling about vegans ruining the world. Because we drove past some cows eating grass.
I just found out through a drunken phone call that my parents thought I'd grow up to be a porn star. It's kind of scary how accurate they were at how skilled I'd be at sex.
she said. She was going to, and I quote, "put her vagina inside my dick".
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