Somedays I wish I were a bird. Then people wouldn't be so grossed out when I vomit
There is only so much cookie dough and masturbating I can handle in one night.
She told me she was selfish for not giving me a blowjob... I couldn't agree more.
i want to get drunk and sing the national anthem on your roof again please.
You tried to sled down the middle of the street. In. Your. Coat. Of course you are bruised.
He showed me one of his balls and said "this one's free. you'll have to work to see the other.."
The to do list extremely baked self wrote for me last night says "1. Join gym 2. Passport? 3. Join a gym" And then just a drawing of a squid
If your wondering why there is a puddle on the floor is I may have decided to make a kiddie pool in your living room.
Its summer. Time to get to the freshmen before the weight does.
People around me are just doing lines of cocaine. Like its no big deal. And I'm just here like.... Y'all want some cheezits?
Mom chose Thanksgiving to tell me the reason I am here is because she was too tired to give my dad a BJ and too drunk to make him pull out.
He used the panoramic camera on his iPhone to take a picture of his dick. And it actually filled it. Pretty sure I just came.
I feel as bad as you right now. I'm about to use one girls car to go see another one
Fuck ya. But normally I drove one girls car picking up a different girl while texting another girl lol
i pushed adam in a shopping cart for 15 blocks, then we realized we left tyler downtown
did you go back and get him?
nah we went to a karaoke bar instead, so worth it
Right before he dumped me... he got a really ugly pair of pants. They were twill pants. A pinkish color. When I'm sad... I picture him in them. It makes me smile.
Randomize