I don't usually arrange sex via text message
but his dog just died...ill send him an edible arrangement or a 6 pack or something
ugh. people who use coupons make me wanna punch a baby.
do you know how scary it is to wake up in a CATSCAN machine after a night of drinking?
When she gives birth, I'm so playing 'Eye of the Tiger'
i just remembered the time you guys tried to give me an intervention because i was drunk before 5 on a monday
you screamed santa and jumped in front of 50 kids to tell him you wanted a bong for christmas.
I think she was eating a cup of ramen noodles while we banged, or had a seizure
There's just something about a dollar tree pregnancy test that screams THIS WASNT PLANNED!
At 4 am, making my walk of shame, the hotel security followed me to my car with his flashlight shined directly on me. I felt like either a criminal or like I was about to get raped. Can't a girl sneak out of a hotel room without an actual spotlight on her?!?!?!
No, that was the night I helicoptered my dick to oncoming traffic. Im talking about the night I ran naked down the street.
He made a deal with his real estate agent called fucking in 50 properties for sale
Somehow reaching for the flaming hot cheetos ended up in the best sex of my life
He was gone for 5 minutes, opened the car door and said, "Don't eat my shit." and dropped Chipotle on the passenger seat. He was gone for another 10 minutes and came back with Coldstone. That stoned.
I think every girl deserves a pregnancy scare. Because then it just feels like such a priviledge to be bleeding out of the vagina.
I legit just did a jig towards my box of tampons.
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