I totally give up. Optimus Prime just fell from the top of the Great Pyramid into the hypostyle hall at Karnak.
any advancement on the stomach flu vs. pregnancy scare of '10?
super high. so of course there was a shoot out at the bank. there are 20 cop cars no lie. if i make it out of this i will never smoke again
The swelling on my elbow and tongue means I may have cockblocked myself.
Night is still young. Puking guts out part of it just began
Using the only finger i can move, i calculated body mass, intake and time. It's mathematically impossible for me to still have this hangover at 9pm. I passed out at 8pm last night. Fuck vodka.
I don't understand why she gets annoyed by my drunk texts. It means she's who I'm thinking about even when my brain isn't functioning properly.
I'll have you know my trust issues and my daddy issues are two COMPLETELY different topics of conversation.
so we were doing it and I was like umm hi im losing my virginity can you take off your beanie
My bad man. I was at a strip club, and apparently it's like a big deal to take your phone out in one of those places.
Him naked in my bed with a bottle of vodka in one hand, a pipe in the other, and a rose in his mouth.
I think I just found my soul mate...he's wearing a zebra striped onesie and is into Michael Jackson...I'll explain in the morning.
Where are you? Where am I? Why am I so red?
Dude. I’m playing chess through iMessage with a stripper. What has my life become.
WHAT THE FUCK I JUST PULLED TWO TAMPONS OUT OF MY VAGINA. WHERE DID THE OTHER ONE COME FROM??
....surprise!
Randomize
