I just woke up to crumpled tissues everywhere. Looks like it was another night filled with tears and semen.
I think the waitress doesn't beleive I have friends coming. I've had 4 drinks and a large salad just waiting for you guys.
A relator touring our house this week saw the picture in our bathroom of steven passed out, yellow faced, with BALLS on his forehead, and had to ask "if that kid was alive or dead".
Just found a keg and a mini-bike in our garage, this couldn't possibly go wrong
I'm sitting on the patient chair, waiting for my vagina to be violated & "i don't want to miss a thing" has been playing on repeat. WHY IS THIS HAPPENING TO ME.
I take that as "no I'm not driving you to the bar in a blizzard"
You insisted that you sleep on the bear rug instead of the couch. You said it was lonely and you kept on petting its head.
Really? How much of his life do you think he remembers? I'm pretty sure 75% of it qualifies as "kind of a blur".
BTW, it's bullshit to say that not doing a shot is unpatriotic. You know how I fall for that.
I think I used your jacking off shit when I showered. I couldn't see shit, it was all oily. Fuck power outages
I just found a hunk of ham in my back jeans pocket from god knows when. We gotta stop going so ham.
Every pair of shorts I try on makes me look like some kind of powerful lesbian wizard.
That is like, the point of shorts
I walked into the bathroom of the hotel and she's in the bath tub with a guy she met a day ago. They were sharing a shrimp cocktail platter and shot gunning bud lights. Oh and it was noon.
most desperate stoner moment might have been when we filled the bong up with pond water
desperate times, desperate measures
I might have snap chatted him. So here's what I need you to do. Find him. Abduct him. Get his phone. View the chat so he can't. Then, buy him ice cream. He deserves ice cream.
Randomize
