Now that I'm 21, I feel like I'm letting North Dakota down by not being drunk everyday
I didn't know there was such thing as a bad orgasm. Until him.
So does it count as really great road-head if he ran over 3 mailboxes before realizing he was off the road?
Wedding cake is always the best dance partner. In the corner. With a jack and coke. And while I'm crying. Listening to "Almost Paradise".
The chips are stabbing my teeth, and I can feel the muscle under my mouth contracting.
So I bring Danny back to the apartment for the first time and my roommate is curled up in the beanbag in the middle of the floor, wearing nothing but her uggs, high out of her mind and watching Harry potter... She offered us kettle corn.
He asked if he could come over tomorrow....
Was expecting a sext from Kristi and then my mom randomly sent me a pic of her ugly Xmas sweater. Worst. Buzzkill. Ever.
YAS. BRING CRAB.
COCAINE IS GR8
I DO have hobbies! I drink. I drink more. I catfish men on Grindr with photos of guys who are less attractive than me. I listen to Lovecraftian podcasts. I'm very well-rounded.
Hypothetically - think of it as Schrodinger's blow-job.
My dog and I just went outside to pee together.
Why the fuck are you playing with legos?
Why the fuck are you questioning me?
The day will come again young grasshopper. For now you must complete your training of patience and tongue biting
Tell me you're alive little brother. And please tell me you didn't get arrested. You made no fucking sense last night in your random texts and pictures you were sending me.
Randomize
