Sry I called you an 8
I don't know which is more embarrassing, the fact that I shat on the floor today or that I told you about it.
It's a Westpoint/Army thing, we talk about Miley Cyrus a lot
Why?
Because when is jailbait ever not funny? Answer: Never
note to self... there IS such a thing as having too many birthday shots...
That drug basically just makes anything that's in your mouth awesome
There's a difference between southern and inbred. She just doesn't know that yet.
Ok but if you die you have to get "I should've listened to Mike" carved into your tombstone
So hung over, I told one of the candidates she's hired if we can turn the lights off and take a nap instead of doing her interview. I feel like she has potential.
There's a 35% chance I'm still residually drunk from last night.
And you say you're not good with numbers...
I'm not worried. All I have to do is not be the drunkest painter at 8:00. Golden.
I just made a drug deal 100% through snap chat
I mean, you've seen me eat pizza, sober, out of a garbage can, and yet I refuse to go eat at that place. Just sayin....
You left a bit of molly on the table and my mom found it. She asked what it was, I said "not drugs"
She believed me because "leaving that much behind on the table would be a waste so obviously it's not drugs."
I'm currently deliberating if I'm going to be too drunk on New Years to handle wearing false eyelashes.
BUT I'M ALSO ONLY IN IT FOR SEX AND HE CAN'T EVEN GET THAT PART RIGHT.LIKE LITERALLY ALL HE HAS TO DO IS DICK ME DOWN AND BE A DECENT HUMAN BEING IS THAT SO HARD TO ASK?!
Randomize
