So I just walked in on one of our neighbors having sex...on our couch.
WHAT?!
He apologized for staining our couch, then asked if he could make me a drink. Pretty sure he was still inside her while we were talking.
Let's just have a brief moment of silence for my dignity before we start tonight
so as we were driving to pick up my grandma from old navy she procedes to yell into our open window.. "I'll make ya holla fo a dolla" umm...
My hispanic family watching the world cup is getting too intense for me. a lit candle was just thrown at me because i walked by the tv.
well my dad not being home definitely made it less awkward to walk in carrying the bra I left wearing.
Did I send you an asleep facebook message about the upcoming football season titled 'BRILLIANT' at 4:45 this morning?
To celebrate your birthday last night, I got drunk and sang drift away in buffalo wild wings. Happy birthday. The entire bar sang the chorus with me. It was magical.
Its a "sake bomb in the bathroom during class" kind of day.
It's that thing where you don't have any food so you just drink beer to get your needed calories for the day.
You know its been a rough night when for a large portion of the evening you have accepted your death
Why are you taking pics in the bathroom with the plunger? I mean you still look hot and I'm totally going to wack off to it.
I was masturbating and a roofer walked past my bedroom window.
Sitting in the dr office she literally looked at my throat and goes have you been having oral intercourse
So, I'm roughly 90% sure that the guy next to me in the xray waiting room is watching porn on his phone right now
Fuck your fuckin pumpkin spice. You and your subtle differences frighten and disgust me.
Randomize
