i just ate something from under my fingernail. i dont know what it was, but it tasted half decent
After work we went home to fool around. Turns out he had sawdust under his foreskin. I'm never going down on him again.
Oh please, I could turn a Vienna Boys Choir concert into a shit show
Puked on a Tom Jones impersonator on the strip
New drinking game: take a shot everytime Jay-Z is played during the NFL draft.
I sent the random girl I had sex with last night a 'happy mothers day' text as a reminder to get the morning after pill.
I know it sounds like a good idea, but doing Spanish homework at a bar just because the owners are Mexican and they give us margaritas really wasn't the best decision.
im taking a nap outside. wake me up in an hour.
way to go to work and not wake me up. when you get home youre rubbing me with aloe and giving me a blowjob. no excuses
He expects to fuck my tits but will ignore me in public.
He is full of southern hospitality and I want to be full of him.
He made me watch a sex tape him and his gf made. They were in the shower when her roommate walked in on them. Not kidding: she asked to join in.
I hate him. He gets laid, my dick gets laughed at.
I just tripped over a but plug that was on the floor. It's 430 in the morning
She always used to joke about becoming a stripper. WHO'S FUNNY NOW?!
He's a snuggler. Every time I attempt to make a move to find my bra he reigns me in. Needless to say i could be here a while.
I've finally become one of those chicks with a taco in her purse.
Randomize
