i am so fucked up that i think i'm playing snood in my head.
well..are you winning?
I just farted at work and tried to cover up the noise by shuffling papers around
ol I'll be okay, it's only a christmas party so the worst that could happen is I end up playing madden naked again
beeferoni + vodka = puke stuck in braces.
You were chewing up hot dogs and spitting them out
just used my sex toy cleaning solution to clean my reading glasses. midterms are cramping my styleeee
I thought that wasn't a thing ever since she showed you her vag on the dance floor
Someone just walked into the bar with a pillow
I don't know whether to judge him or give him a high five
There is a 90 percent chance I threw up in a mailbox last night....
Do you understand how hard it is to go down on a guy underwater? Didn't think so....
Lying naked in bed eating carrot cake of off my bare breasts while watching Family Guy. Tonsilitis isn't all bad!
He called me khaleesi while I rode his dick. He wins
Stop inviting Kevin over. The dickless wonder started playing some strange Sci-FY music and speaking an alien language and the girls split.
oh.. my GOD my dad just text me... "i need a naked women" ........... help?
We ran out of vodka, so instead of body shots you wanted to do cupcake shots off her naked body...happy birthday to you.
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