You can tell a man will be prosperous by the power of his farts- A fart that can shake the room is a voice that can change the world.
Don't know whats worst me sharding on her a bit or her believing me when i told her she did it...
i just saw her new tattoo, how much more trashy can you get than having "taste the rainbow" on your body for the rest of your life?
She gave me a blow job and her mom gave me blueberry muffin afterwards. I love them.
Please know that I fully expect you to help me steal a bed if I have a bad breakup.
My nipple ring got caught on the rug again. Tequila makes me unlearn these things
That reminds me of that one time you handcuffed me to a table leg while I was reaching for the vodka.
If we worried less about pouring champagne down stripper crack, we probably wouldn't skip so many meals.
It's hard to take you serious when you're crying your eyes out wearing an adult sized onesie.
You missed me roundhouse kicking a lit glow stick out of a guy's mouth last night. You would have been proud.
He was rocking just a diaper, shoes, and a gun. Sadly, I would still hit it.
For an hr, you were convinced you no longer had a right arm so you played Super Mario Bros with just your left hand vs Beth. You won btw, mite b why she refused to wear the unicorn head
There's a guy masturbating in front of Sephora right now
Went to a club yesterday was dirty dancing with this guy, reached back to move my hair and punched him in the face.
ANTI-GAME
I am so proud to call you my friend
He jerked off some dude with a slice of Wonder Bread.
The sports guy?
Yeah. They claimed the bread made it hetero
Randomize
