I told him it tasted like his mom..needless to say we were asked to leave.
I just followed up on a noise complaint...only to find 2 girls in bikinis covered in jello with beer cans everywhere. I couldn't bring myself to bust that party.
I want to be a cop.
Hey man your outta milk
How the hell do you keep getting in my apartment?!
I don't know. I guess at the end of the day I wanted taco bell more than a boyfriend.
Totally get that.
Either there is a god and he hates masturbation, or one of my roommates stole my vibrator while I was in the shower.
I just got woken up by some Christians who wanted to talk about the bible. ways to make a hangover even worse for a thousand trebek
To tired for the bar. Came home and drank wine out of the bottle. Kind of don't want to know what that says about my life.
The bachelorette started when I opened the door and they threw a few dozen dildos at me.
No later than 4:00 ok - I'm tying my viagra high into a superbowl halftime showstopper. Ya, you might wanna look away for that
I can't stop drooling did you spike my drink?
One day I'm gonna have to send my roommate a "sorry I got high and forgot you were in the room and masturbated next to you" fruit basket
Listen, if I miss the flight to Vegas because she's still rimming my ass, it will have been worth it.
I'm naked on my couch and just ate a chip that was in my belly button.. my 20s have been weird.
I fucked that choir dude last night. he had the most strangely musical moans. it was like a Sound Of Music porno.
It feels like heartburn in my lungs. I'll buy 2 pounds.
Randomize
