I totally give up. Optimus Prime just fell from the top of the Great Pyramid into the hypostyle hall at Karnak.
Puking in one of the stalls, a guy ran in and started puking in the other stall... In between heaves we told each other our names; i found out that it was my old best friend that moved away in the 8th grade
We got back from Mcdonalds and literally 5 minutes of being in your room, you wanted to go back because "We haven't been yet."
I never should have let my cousin and his pregnant girlfriend move in with me. I'm never having sex again. They scare off men more than 'my dream wedding' pin board.
Worrying about "What smells like cat pee?" is so much easier than worrying about "What am I doing with my life?"
yea I went to the store high again.. I think we're having pie for dinner.
I figured working in my office on the 34th floor I'd be safe railing xanax off my desk. Of course, I snort it just in time for the window washer guy to give me a thumbs up.
I was less embarrassed asking him to torrent the teen mom's porn. I'm not gonna ask him to about season 4 of PLL.
Shout out to this stomach virus for helping me prepare for whatever slutty Halloween costume I decide to wear.
Dude my doctor just legit got down on her knees and loudly begged me to do my pap smear
My weirdest encounter with a stranger though was when for some reason they just gave me a box of unopened socks. Needless to say, I never used them.
It just makes sense. It's like I end a relationship, and wash myself of sin... with tequila.
Don't be upset because I bitch slapped you with intelligence
If I stopped mid-sex because the guy was hung like a light switch, it doesn't count, does it? Like the five second rule.
God damn. You sleep with one 40 year old married dude and suddenly you have “daddy issues”. Fuck all of you.
Randomize
