She def said "you had your chance!" after telling me she had a boyfriend. Like a pile of dogshit lecturing me on how I missed out on having itself stuck to the bottom of my shoe.
just saw bouncers outside a coffee shop. beginning to question humanity.
After 10 years all I have gotten is one bra pic, at this point I should be able to draw your cervix from memory
he asked me if i wanted "a hit" off his inhaler. its definitely time for a new roommate
He gave me the "I've pictured you while jerkin off" look
One fish gets drugged and suddenly I'm labeled a bad pet owner. This is so unfair.
you took my bottle from me saying i was unprepared for its magical qualities. then you buckled it in the backseat.
I love you like a cupcake loves an overweight child, very similar to the mannerisms of a whole cake but personal, and minus the commitment issues, plus just the right amount of icing; not to mention the convenience of mobility, and only a smidgen of the guilt😘
I had him autograph the condom wrapper.
I was changing in front of my window and my neighbor text me saying, "nice pubes."
Dude. I tried to hide my drunk wounds from my parents. Response: "we were young once" and "oh god, did I raise a drunk?"
You are beyond drunk wounds. You have drunk battle scars. A true veteran of the sidewalk
Dicks are so weird. He has kind of a feminine comforter in the background.
for real. if he messaged me that i'd have made his penis cower in a corner.
I'm very aware of my heart moving the blood in my body.
I don’t know whether to call out sick or call in drunk
Randomize
