i just woke up i smell like fire, i have bruises on both knees and one elbow, i have a lighter and nip of smirnoff blueberry in my bed, rug burn on one hip and about 12 pics of you and me on my camera-this needs to stop happening
yea ive got to shower which is going to be painful given the skin burns from the blowup obstacle course races last night
I must have had a great time last night.. I woke up with coconut oil all over my glasses
The Ukrainian kid just told me that our econ professor wants to bone me. Please tell me that phrase means something different in Eastern Europe.
Oh btw, my mom called... you made the police blotter in the newspaper. Don't worry, she's mailng me a copy so I can put in on the fridge.
Dude. The girls called me over to see what they had in their dorm. They snuck in a pigeon in a cardboard box. They named it Quincey. They swear they're sober.
I threw up in the shower, slipped, and fell in it. Should I try and continue my day or just get back in bed?
I think the old lady next to me at the bar just saw your pussy
YES please come visit. Lets go get belligerent. I won't even pepperspray you
So I've been spending my morning trying to figure out if there's a corealation between Wednesday margarita night and the boat that's now in my living room.
So, just saw a lady hysterically sobbing in a Walmart at 3 AM. Someone's not having a happy mother's day.
No. Every time we go there, you end up getting high, then lost, then going home with strangers.
It's the kinda thing that makes you wanna buy a rainbow flag and fight republicans and kiss girls
Doing the walk of shame from the back of a Jeep to the porta potty it's parked next to while your dad watches is not what you want.
MY GUT IS TELLING ME YES AND SO IS MY VAGINA
I was totes going to lose it to him last night, but I cried and we ate mexican food instead.
Randomize
