well thats why i like him. because he makes you happy. on the other hand i think he masturbates too much while texting you.
This cougar at my work just said "big breasts" referring to poultry... Still resulted in a boner.
i gave him head before the novacaine wore off...i think his penis touched my lung
You are two creepy Justin Bieber quotes away from me not talking to you for the rest of the day
If I had a pelvic thrust emoticon, I would use it
Handjob with gloves on results in friction burn. In case you've ever wondered
At one point I went looking for you and found you handcuffed to a chair. I'm pretty sure you handcuffed yourself. I don't know how you got there.
My life has only gotten better since they built a playground behind the bar
We didnt even know he was in the house until he came downstairs and asked why he was wet
Apparently my downstairs neighbors don't much appreciate it when I do drunk aerobics at 3am on a Wednesday...
This hobo said he can't buy alcohol bc he got in trouble bc a girl sat on his face when he was passed out and misaligned his spine and gave him Alzheimer's so Ali is buying him a bottle. This is Vegas.
I thought he was being really sweet and protective when he pulled me away from the guy i was hooking up with, but turns out he just wanted me to get chicken nuggets with him...
I woke up with a massive hangover and realized I still had an entire bottle of tequila in my car...so yeah, working on tomorrow's hangover.
I'm trying to find a place to hide weed in my mother in law's house...
Married life problems?
Ewe he just snapped me a pic of his butt crack.. Should I be concerned?
My parents are being so annoying about my colon.
Randomize
