My fucking roommate unpluged my alarm; I pissed on his clean clothes.
She wouldn't stop saying her own name. Like a damn pokemon.
You were wasted and fell in a pond when you met him, it's not like you were on top of your game
1 in 5 deaths i nrussia is alcohol related. GO MOTHERLAND
If I go there, please come with. It will accelerate the lesbian rumor but be totally worth it.
He walked into the pizza shop... Pulled the fire alarm.. And proceeded to dance to it...
you should probably know that there's a naked dude in your window
i wouldn't normally say anything but you seem to not be there
Sadly, she's the porn star that got away
Dude, you spit in your shirt pocket saying "I'm saving it for later" then dove head first into the pyramid of beer cans we set up.
As I was puking, these 2 guys started peeing next to me chanting me on
...I think I just watched a boy make a sandwich seductively. What.
I need to be put in a corner surrounded by pamphlets of stds and babies
also I have no idea whose underpants I'm wearing right now but they're super comfy and I'm not giving them back ever
Did my extra credit for a class I badly need to pass at the bar of Friday's.. kind of sum's up my college career. Got a 90 though.
this is a mass text: the cage has been opened. repeat, the cage has been opened. a search party will be organized. you are all sloppy bitches. that is all.
Randomize
