No matter how fun it seemed the night before you will always regret taking those pictures, you will always regret eating as much as you did, but you will never regret the great lengths you had to got to get those bruises.
I wrote a list of all my homework due in the next few weeks. I feel I've done enough for tonight.
He scratched off my spray tan. Literal nail marks down my back. Can't imagine what's underneath his fingernails.
I almost got away with it until she smelled beer on the stroller.
You're just mad because I look hotter in my mug shot than you do in yours
I'm actually not sure I need to run today, between the crazy monkey sex and breaking into my own house.
She took one look at my hardon and said, "You have a dick built for anal."
That wasn't a compliment.
So hungover im counting my own breaths to make sure im not dead. The odds hurt.
today i was walking through gramercy with a dress bag from David's Bridal and a bag of McDonald's. No guy would make eye contact with me as I scarfed down my fries. I think I was mankind's walking night terror.
I like the fact that you've for some reason taken my penis into protective custody
All I've done today is nap, eat candy and get off from my vibrator. I didn't know it was possible to be THIS single.
How drunk are you?
Completed.
What happened last night? I just woke up and there's like 15 mcflurry cups on the floor
You don't remember stealing them?
If you left your bike out in front, I just watched some dude steal it.
i woke up to drewlling on a plate of eggrolls half naked halfway between my bed and the floor, and i have no idea where my pants went
Randomize