new low, i just stole money from my 5 year old sister to buy condoms
You yelled "sharpie war!" then jammed it in her ear
Just found a bottle of tequila in the washer.
Every time you blow me I should make a paper crane and we'll make them into a chain and hang them from the ceiling. And then whenever we have people over and they ask what the cranes are for I'll say "reminders" and wink at you.
Can't a white girl just get drunk on a Sunday night and eat rice crispy treats. SHIT
Why is there ANOTHER stolen fire extinguisher in my room? You know that's a felony right...
idk. a stripper just bit me. I'm so disoriented
In the middle of our bar crawl last night we stopped to pet dogs at a dog park. who would let a drunk person bet play with their dog???
I think you'll be amused to know that I achieved the impossible feat of tripping over my own dick
All i really remember is meeting this guy dressed as jesus and i kept taking his wine and saying "the body of christ!"
I also woke up in my friends room to 3 girls and a naked boy on the floor but thats besides the point
I found my grandmother's vibrator, how was your day?
man sorry about that. It's like god was willing me to be an asshole. I haven't filled my quota for the day
She forgot a bra so she just used seran wrap. The scary thing is, it worked.
I turned on Elf, made myself a mojito, and am eating one of a sleeve of Ritz. You tell me if I wanna go out tonight.
I am no longer and illegal Moonshiner. I just made thousands of gallons of incredibly High test alcohol with police watching and waiting for thare couple of jugs so that they can bring home and disinfect their houses with it. I'm fat with money at the moment.
Randomize
