Raise your hand if you bought 2 annoying girls shots of water. CLOWNS.
i was born a porn star she said
how do you wash the taste of whore out of your mouth?
according to the contents of this bucket, last night i swallowed a whole teabag
You are beautiful! I got thrown out of a bar tonight for throwing my shoe. It was at my sister, I don't know why they were mad. I know her.
And I can taste the vodka through my ears. Good god.
Pissed along side the highway while waving at all the traffic... if thats not a sign of a productive night to come then idk what is
I spent part of my valentines extracting candy hearts from a woman's vagina. The entire time I was thinking "this job pays for my Mercedes. This job pays for my Mercedes. This job pays for my Mercedes."
How can I politely yet provocatively ask you for a cock shot?
MAN I GOT NO SLEEP AND HAD A BREAKFAST OF SKITTLES AND ASPIRIN. I'M LIVING THE LIFE.
LinkedIn just suggested I might know the guy I caught my wife fucking.
My roommate just walked in with a case of beer locked himself in his room and told us he was going to masturbate his feelings away...
I'm like bob the builder except I'm fixing boners.
Okay, I just reached peak living alone
I ate a piece of chocolate cake while jerking off
Just an fyi, you also tried to wrangle a peacock last night.
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