my affection for youporn is starting to get disturbing... i just thought about sending them a christmas card
A university police officer just hhigh fived me when i drunkenly stumbled into Aderhold. Fucking 5 o'clock somewhere.ITS IN CASABLANCA RIGHT NOW! TIME ZONES!
where did this taco bell managers name tag come from ?
I just want to point out that nothing makes my hickie/hangover more obvious than sleeping in a scarf and sunglasses. nothing.
Tough to be a good wingman when you puke on yourself and everyone w/in a 5 ft radius at the FIRST bar we go to so don't tell me to step my game up
Seriously though a big penis is like a puppy dog, or a sunny day or some other glorious thing
You are such a penis elitist
She kept saying how cute and adorable I was. I felt like a care bear getting a blowjob
I just can't promise there won't be a reason to hit you in the face with a dildo again in the future.
I smell like hot dogs and captain morgan it's 11:20 am what is my life
Just got a 200 dollar safe, two jars, and a 500 pack of rubber bands.. This doesn't SCREAM drug dealer does it?
...you should fill the cart some more
Their children would look like the Michelin man and smell like chef Boyardee
I'm worried about how taking care of my mom's dog while being on acid will go.
I mean metaphorically. Literally zombies have yet to invade. Let's be rational here.
So I decided to sleep with him for the first time in months so I can convince him it's his kid instead of the other guy
Let me know if you need some dick this weekend.
Between the BF being in town, partying at the Side Dick’s house tonight and two Tinder dates tomorrow I’ve got dick to spare!!
Randomize
