i celebrated the independence of our country by dry heaving tequila all morning. so classy. happy 4th.
Stop trying to talk to my friends!!
then get some ugly ones...
he asked me to smell his eyeballs.
it's sunday funday. and also, who can outslut the other day.
Look dude I'm sorry I used your bong to snorkel in my bathtub last night
Seriously he's so hot. And it's so hard to flirt with a deaf guy
Curled up in the fetal position, trying not to throw up or think about my future, and humming songs from musicals to myself. You?
All I want is a camelback full of Jameson and the weather to be cool enough for me to wear rainbow spandex. Ugh. Pride problems.
The kind of drunk where you put two tampons in thinking that it'll last me longer ...
The only way that night could have gotten any better would be if a unicorn would descend from the heavens with a nacho bell grande in a bag around its horn beat boxing Hakunah Matata.
So our trip to Disney World ended in the three of us stripping at a gay club in orlando.
I think I'd be more bothered by his cross dressing if I wasn't secretly into women..,
My doctor said I can only have one drink at a time, ever, from now on. My life has officially started its decline.
Dear in laws. I am not spending any holidays with you. I dislike your company. A lot.
Nothing says “I spent too much in Vegas” quite like eating a jar of pickles for dinner and planning on cream of celery soup for breakfast tomorrow.
Randomize