im pretty sure i tried to attack the vending machine last night
lol who won
well im in the hospital right now so u tell me
He asked for his proof of insurance and he pulled out a Magnum by mistake. All of the sudden gignger was looking real good to me.
She said "don't make this weird" and then proceeded to sniff me.
Someone tried to flush pizza down the toilet. Well, at least tried to
But you have work tomorrow. And a whore to pick up. And a dinner to eat. And a vagina to slaughter. Your day is full!
I appreciate the concept of vaginal slaughtering.
My life is a joke. Told everyone last night that they could call me Mrs. McCormick because I'm gonna end up alone with a handle of peach vodka anyways.
Because her vagina is one of those illusive black holes that leads to a parallel universe where he is king and the sea is made of beer! That is why they are together!
Dont worry bro, i'll be the designated kayaker. I wouldnt want u to be drinking and kayaking.
He wanted me to blow him while he did curls and looked at himself in the mirror. Not sure if gay or ego maniac.
Drunk girl in a bikini just tried to bite my face, it's officially spring break
My mom just made me promise her that i'll care about the next guy I sleep with
I might be the strongest willed bouncer ever. Earlier tonight a girl flashed me trying to get in. I just replied "Sorry I'm gay", she believed me and left.
I took multi-tasking to a new level. I just ate a plate of nachos off my lap while driving to the bar. And I barely got any on me.
the wedding party just walked in to the song eye of the tiger. i'm getting drunk.
I use my feet as sexual weapons
Randomize
