Dude, I just went to take a piss and looked at my ballsack... Underneath was labled "L" and "R"
you can't exactly throw up or pass out at the pentagon so i had to pull my shit together
My knee is bleeding. This cheeseburger is the 3rd thing I made out with today and I think I got a job with the ducks. Catalina is poppin
im tired of her bring homeless men home when shes drunk. THEY ARE NOT FUCKING PETS!!!!
So then you challenged the bartender to an arm wrestling contest for a free bottle of vodka
Sweet. Did I win?
Youre hungover arent you?
I made $130 by ordering two pizzas and charging them $10 a slice. If they weren't so stoned they might have realized they could have just ordered another pizza for $20.
Her vagina was like a painting you can put your face in.
He crawled outside into the bushes to throw up. He's just laying there now but he says he'll be ready to come home if we just give him five
Pretty sure i brought my phone charger to a booty call
I will have you know I turned Latino David Arquette down for sex because he's married. Total. Moral. Victory.
Flo's in town, ain't she.
you got drunk, told him he looked like shaggy and said 'I wouldn't show you my mystery machine for all the scooby snacks in the world'
So you're at your daughter's volleyball game looking at dicks online? That's amazing.
No, I was picking her up from volleyball and sitting in my car looking at dicks.
Taking care of drunk people fulfills my need to be a mother
Listen, I've got balls in my face can I call you back
Either I'm getting old or the shit show is playing earlier than it used to...
Randomize
