Went home with a guy 2 " his house". Woke up this morn on couch to parents cooking breakfast, piss all over my back and he is no where to be found. That fuckr pissed on me and bounced. His parents are gonna think some drunk bitch pissed their couch.
i feel like everytime i say im going to quit drinking someone comes along with a better idea about drinking
I don't know at least half of his name. I have officially become a statistic.
These old men are woofing at me..PLEASE HURRY
Ok. I am hammered I will admit it but my legacy needs to live and your the only woman that could spawn satan. We need to talk.
Opened my purse to realize I have someone else's birth certificate. What happens to me in college?
Gave up on finding an ashtray.... just started flicking it in my purse.
He has a British accent. He could read me the phone book and I would come so hard he would need a wizened old man in a rowboat to save him.
I looked so sad that Jessica gave me a bar of soap. So that's where I'm at.
I just used my citation as a bookmark. Want a beer?
Why was I lying under a truck last night?
How dare you not respond to me after opening up a picture of my bare breasts
I feel like I should have held a press conference. The state of my vagina
No dude shes like 5 feet tall and maybe 100 pounds... Normally i wouldnt be scared but someone gave her a bat. Thats why im in the bathroom
I don’t know how you celebrated 4/20 but I set a Payless trash can on fire
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