i'm saving my butt for my wedding night
2 v-cards in one night. impossible is nothing.
Well, both are illegal but one involves my vagina a whole lot less.
Her tits were the only thing that upgraded her from "no way in fuck" to "drunken mistake"
The last thing I said to him last night before telling him he couldn't give me a kiss goodnight was pointing at his dick then at me and saying "this isn't working out"
what's the name of the guy at the bank you blew to get the lower interest rate?
um. wrong number, but good luck with your loan
Can we go to Home Depot next week? Drunk Kim broke my toilet with a hammer.
Just had flashback to me showering u with stir fry as u rythed on the floor
I got really upset at the McDonald's worker. They should serve nuggets 24/7. Apparently 5am is breakfast for some people.
banged a milf last night. she left right after cause of parent teacher conferences this morning. victory.
Listen I took a family sized bottle of merlot to the face last night and there's an svu marathon on. Give me some time please.
This is not my bathroom and these are not my pants
My fridge is empty and all of my food is in the bathtub. Just.. Why?
I love FaceTime, every time you ring me the morning after its like I went home with your one night stand too.
I want you to know. From the bottom of my heart, that you are a great friend, a beautiful person, and one of my favorite people in this world. But if you ever send me that many messages again at 4am I swear to God, I will push you in from of a fast running rhino
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