FUCK BUDDYS DON'T HOLD HANDS. NO EXCEPTIONS.
Confession: Sometimes I wear my stolen scrubs to the corner store because people will think I'm a doctor and not just a girl too lazy to change out of her pajamas.
He was just lying on my lap in the backseat screaming how if the cops came he was a blanket.
Hahaha I can already see the arrest warrants. It's gonna be beautiful. I'll get them framed.
The world is a different place when I'm actually having sex
Last night I dreamt that I sold my car and used the money to have wheels surgically implanted in my feet and legs so I became a human heely and I just rolled everywhere
I'm in public and Taylor Swift is playing. It is taking all my effort to not screech like a goat.
Yeah, I'm sure we have time for sex AND ihop.
I'm not sure why, but my salad smells like a Big Mac. Or maybe that's just the smell of yesterday's, seeping through my skin.
Can I fire a pigeon out of a t shirt gun?
I'm sorry but if you can talk well enough to critique his oral game, he clearly needs the pointers.
The creeper at the bar just realized we have the same birthday and bought me four beers already. He walked off so I took his change and dashed, i'm bringing the case over now.
As of right now, my vibrator and a bag of snickers share the same drawer
I may or may not have spiked my gatorade to get through a game of monopoly with these children.
My EX’s roommate heard about the breakup and offered to help me bang it out. I think she hates her even more than I do.
Randomize
