oh god the rape fog is back!
don't read that magazine bro. I came in it
He made me stop in the middle of giving him a blowjob so he could go get his glasses. because he "wanted to see". I need to stop dating nerds.
Ya know, sometimes when he kisses me in public I want to scream "HE DRIVES A PORSCHE!" so people watching understand that I don't have low standards, I'm just very materialistic.
I sat in the bathroom on the counter and gave out advice to all the random people that walked in
Walking down the street at 11 pm dressed in bubble wrap. Why is the bar so fucking far away??
I totally just friend requested the girl I met in jail last night so that I could give her back the sunglasses she lent me upon our release. See, I'm not a total delinquent.
My therapist thinks I shld paint u something to show u my appreciation 4 ur friendship. 1) she must think I'm rite on the brink of no friends 2) this is real
That awesome feeling when you are pooping on the same toilet that nobel laureates have pooped on
They should make a traveling bouncer service to remove unwanted people from your house without getting the cops involved. That sums up my Friday.
This guy is trying to get me to do some acrobatic gymnast shit just so he can see "my tight hole." I'm too big to be sweating in my own damn bed. Shittttt.
Do you want me to add this to the list of actions I will state at your intervention
My cat took a shit on the guy who passed out in the bathtub
I just opened my travel toothbrush holder and it smelled like vodka...maybe a vodka cranberry. This says a lot about my vacations.
you said, "I wonder what your mum is doing right now." in the middle of sex, of course I threw up on you.
Randomize
