I just walked through a room full of deaf people and farted i love deaf people
Listen: if you or anyone else at work finds a starfish in a bowl, just leave it. It'll be gone by next week.
Better yet, if you find it can you put it in the mini-fridge in your office for safe keeping? Spanks.
And if it's going to get me in trouble, maybe just don't mention that I know anything about it.
Just saw some airport workers running through the terminal with liquor bottles. That's my kind of emergency.
i must of done something right to please the booty call gods. . . maybe fucking that fat chick?
As punishment for throwing up on my car, I am holding your phone hostage until the morning. You can read this message after I drop it off.
I wish I could rewind to my 8th birthday instead. I wanna wake up, eat as much cake as I want, and have a Transformers birthday party without someone judging me.
And there might be a gallon of sangria without the lid on the floor in your room. Just be careful when you open the door.
She just flushed the toilet with her head inside it...
Hey.. Here's a thought for the evening. There's only two more sleeps until I fuck you so hard my back teeth will convulse.. Here's too Tuesday! Woohooooo
I sent "Rawrrrr" to 151 matches on Tinder. I feel like thats a substantial size of the DC female population.
We were just sitting together and this guy walks up to us and says, "you ladies are drinking too slow", puts a 5 dollar bill on the table and just leaves the bar. Helloooo Taco Bell
I feel like I beer bonged a ton of asbestos
Would it be wrong to text my ex and say "congratulations on the new baby that you had with a stripper"?
Giiirrrllll. Back to back snaps of dicks. Two different guys sent me their dick at the same time. This is totally what our founding fathers meant with life, liberty, and the pursuit of happiness.
Was it your intent last night to burn the house down? With a waffle..
Randomize
