Wanted to apologize for chris browning you when you were on my computer.
last night was a success...if success means i don't remember the guy's name and my panties are somewhere in the parking lot behind the bar
I just found out the guys at work had a bet as to who could sleep with me before i move away.
Who won?
All of them.
I'm at a crab and wine festival with my dad. He just introduced me as his girlfriend to all of his co-workers. I am so drunk I thought he was serious.
The stoners next door have their couch on the sidewalk again, shirtless, soaking their feet in a baby pool and listening to loud ukulele music. I want their life.
im eating kix cereal and taking shots by myself. please come hang out with me. im desperate
Well my door is unlocked for you, I'll be in the bathtub drinking a pre-mixed bottle of margarita until I forget the degree to which my life sucks.
I had to have my mom pick me up from the party and the windows lock was on so when I went to projectile vomit out the window it wouldn't roll down and it splashed back at my face.
How does one chug a beer and swing the bottle at someone in a single motion? This guys a beer ninja man
Just had a threesome. Girlfriend wasn't a part of it. Broke up with her by sending her a picture of it. Hell is going to be awesome
On a not really funny at all but kinda brighter note I've gotten really good at texting in hand cuffs
Trying to figure out the logistics of putting my laptop speakers on this plate with the last slice of pizza. Too drunk to move the plate. Not an option.
There is naked swordfighting and something green and alcoholic going on in the basement. COME. OVER. NOW.
omg his dad is hot
... I'm currently away at the moment. Leave a msg since I cannot express how much I can't help you stop ruining peoples lives.
I did this clutch move yesterday at the bar where I grabbed a plastic cup for water and discreetly threw up in it while walking around and then tossed it. It was my best boot and rally ever
Randomize
