Just saw an ad for "Liver-aid" how has this not become a life changing drug for millions?
i just checked to make sure valentines day this year was on a weekend assuming ill want to be drunk all day
hearing about your life makes me feel so good about mine
Honestly, where the fuck is osama bin laden?
fuck that im pissed. when I come back im ripping forskin off.
I'm sure that's not what the inventers of the Turkey baster had in mind, but that's what I had in mine.
Found my shoes and purse. They're all strapped together in my neighbor's tree. Need to borrow your ladder. Thanks in advance
Just had a tv talk show interview in my mirror. Got into to some pretty heavy shit man, would have made good viewing.
Whoever decided to wrap my shins in duck tape owes me new leg hair.
Well my grandma put the turkey in the oven for 4 hours and didn't have the oven on.
I just wanted to tell you that the German word for "dickhead" can also be translated as "ass violin" and I think that's beautiful.
My concern for you and peanut butter is the reason I am still awake.
using my tits for other peoples nudes hit me up business in the making
I love him about as much as I'd love fucking myself with a cactus.
Your heart isn't making stupid decisions... your penis is outsmarting your brain. Stop fucking her!
It was just a hint of nipple. I kept it classy!
Do you even hear yourself?
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