oh there is nothing like the 1st beerbong of the school year
OMG - This guy with a mullet just told me - it wasn't a mullet - but his hair dresser layered it wrong. It's so walmart in here. I hate you.
Please return the baby Jesus and sheep to the quad
He picked me up for our 1st date and saw my roommate crying on the floor Fabreesing her vagina...
Well I woke up with spatula marks on my ass and burns on my hands.
I watched her choke out a bouncer with the broken strap from her purse, I think shes the one.
I'll just be sleeping in this laundry room. Come get me at bar close.
Just got shoved by an Elvis impersonator. Evidently it isn't cool to ask how much of a disappointment they are in the eyes of their parents.
Mmhmmm. I have a list of drunk achievement that is almost as long as my list of stoned achievements
if elf comes on TV one more time i swear to god i will smash my brains out with this fruitcake
Hey, I think I showed you a picture of my nephew while we were fucking last night. Sorry, I know it's weird, I just really love that kid. Again, sorry.
ACTUALLY FUNNIEST MOMENT OF THE NIGHT WAS WHEN YOU WERE TALKING TO HIM AND YOU SAID "WHEN YOU MEET ME IN REAL LIFE I WILL BE A LOT ANGRIER." And then he said "WHEN I MEET YOU IN REAL LIFE I WILL BE LESS DRUNK, HOPEFULLY."
Woke up in a bathtub with both of my legs broken. How was your night?
She invited us over for cocaine and donuts
I just got woken up by that guy wearing a Krispy Kreme hat giving out donuts
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