i just saw a foot job.
porn is incredible...
What should i be more turned off about... his massive collection of condoms or that he asked me to sign my name by number 68 on the list posted on his wall?
I think the two go hand in hand.
Every time I find out someone else from high school got pregnant accidentally, I want to declare victory over them.
you know you've been in a long relationship when u start retiring sex toys
If im going to fail a midterm I might as well be drunk while I do it
You told me alcohol would be the death of you then ordered 10 shots of tequila.
We had sex on a ferris wheel in canada, our relationship will never be the same
your dad made us margaritas and breakfast on the morning. I think it's safe to say he relives his glory days through us
Had no idea what his name was when I woke up. Went through his desk, found his tax records. Ben. And loaded.
A blow job from a tiger shark would still entail less risk to your genitals than having sex with her.
Most men with as many freckles as you aren't vagina magnets. You are an exception to your kind.
Just killed a snake in my bed! And by killed I mean hit repeatedly with my fist. And by snake I mean a lump in the covers. And I pissed my pants.
I don't even have his number. I have his pants tho
She meowed at me. Repeatedly. Then she asked what was wrong with me because I didn't understand her.
Over Bumbled last night. I think I set my dog up on a date Sunday afternoon. I have to drive him, meet the other dog’s dad and secretly drink a bottle of champagne from a “water bottle”. This is not what I expected 30 to be like.
Randomize
