Cold hands, warm shart.
Pre-St Patricks Day Log: Threw up across a 14ft radius, this is why the irish dont drink tequila
Is it awkward to ask someone I've slept with to officiate my wedding?
WHAT KIND OF DUMPSTER DOESNT HAVE PIZZA IN IT?
It took me 3 tries to get up the front steps. They kept me motivated by waving taco bell just out of my reach. Surprisingly effective.
You put your name in his phone but not your number then screamed "Open the door!" and jumped out of the car
Dude. My cat just tried to bat the tampon string hanging from body. NOT COOL, SEYMOUR. NOT COOL.
It's not that I'm in love with her, so much as I would love to be her lesbian experience.
Nothing ends a night of heavy drinking better than banging to three six mafia in your own driveway
I went to McDonald's this morning still half drunk with penises drawn all over my body, when my card was declined the cashier asked if I needed Jesus
Oh, cold wet seat on the 48! Are you piss? Are you the sweaty ass leavings of an obese person? Are you the spilled King Cobra from the night before? I do not know! I dare not smell to find out... Pants ruined...
Today I had sex and flossed at the same time. My relationship goals have been exceeded.
To be fair I went my whole first week without showing up to work drunk!
I'm wearing a sports bra. Of course I'm not getting laid tonight.
It's sunday night and I just went to the store to buy cookie dough and condoms, I'm so proud of myself.
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