You are still hot in my book. I wanna dry hump u like a 9th grader then hump for real when the herpes is gone.
I was so drunk last night, I had to Wikipedia what i did.
Drinking bud light and eating rice cakes...this is the closest to getting in shape for spring break as its going to get.
some guy just asked me if water gets in a vag when girls take a bath. WTF. it's not a wind tunnel!
i just made mint juleps with bourbon and fresh breath strips. i am the macgyver of alcohol.
He woke up next to me, said I "wasn't naked enough" and fell back asleep. I proceeded to blow him.
All the alcohol I spilled on myself must have acted as a disinfectant or something. I haven't showered in three days and I still don't have a staph infection from sleeping on the lawn with you.
Lesson of the night: never take shots out of a bottle you found under a couch in a frat house. I have no idea where I am
I just got a nosebleed on a date at the cheesecake factory...
just run out of the bathroom with blood gushing down your face and scream "ITS IN THE CHEESECAKE!!!!!"
So do you want to be the old guy picking up a girl in a mini skirt who may be slightly buzzed before noon from college, or shall i walk over?
Then when he got home he face timed me and showed me his balls
The selfie stick gets 5 stars bc it really added a fun element to my sex tape
We just had can't-look-you-in-the-eye sex and it was still surprisingly good
He texted "fuck you" before blocking me on all social media. Come to think of it, that's also the last thing my mother said to me. Could it be that I'm the problem?
How’s your Christmas Eve so far?
I just chased my melatonin with red wine. It’s 12:00pm.
Randomize
