update: the house isnt on fire anymore, but he is still pissing on all your stuff.
the house was on fire??
shit I thought I told you.
This situation is one cop call away from being a Lifetime movie.
Of course he got arrested. He was wearing a toga. Even Tom Hanks couldn't act sober in a toga.
The cardboard box in my backseat wasn't strong enough to keep your pee contained. Come clean my car.
NEVERCLEAR, NEVER AGAIN.
I was so drunk, I was kissing everyone. Their sexual preference was none of my concern.
Dude if our hands were ladels we could work at a soup kitchen
That would be so convenient
Pretty sure I just shit out pure stomach acid. I'll explain after you take me to a hospital
How did I roll 7 times this month and survive?\nI must be some sort of ecstasy goddess
Only at Harvard can you walk in on a bunch of stoners and expect everyone to immediately stand up, shake your hand and introduce themselves like we're at a fucking job fair
I almost spit out my drink. But only almost, because it was vodka. And you don't spit out vodka.
Also I'm at the pub and there are old lady pirates gyrating on a pole. I wish you were here.
I was chasing disarono with Bacardi and watching ice cube movies. It would have been an epic birthday if I wasn't by myself and actually had some decent friends.. Hint. Asshole.
i think ive been high everyday since ive met you
You'll probably laugh but I am currently in bed in the fetal position wrapped in only my ninja turtles towel. Save me.
Randomize
