i caught a guy at work today stealing condoms. i let him go when i realized that they were extra small.
I love how all the girls on the plan b commercial wake up alone.. Like me
Just threw up in a trash can by the ATM. Then pulled out money for weed.
I just hotboxed my laundry basket.
I Never golf you the sypdu of andrew. The one o will marry. The one j plwgded my last breath up. The one I pledged everything I live forbworh to. I love him more than life itself
He gave up on mugging us when Dave wouldn't stop laughing. He was wiggling his finger at the knife and making baby noises and giggling. The guy just walked away.
I'm just glad you're the only person I can have a "remember when we thought I was pregnant" conversation with.
Driving home this morning in my minion costume makes me rethink the 0 tint on my windows.
The thought "Ummm which pants am I wearing? ...I *am* wearing pants, right?" just ran through my head. I'm done. So done.
i will not be out-irished. not this night. if i don't wake up tomorrow handcuffed to a hospital bed, i have failed my ancestors.
He came all over her clothes we have to leave
i'm high and self actualising, please send help
YOU RAISED A SWORD OVER YOUR HEAD AND SCREAMED AT HIM WHAT THE FUCK ELSE DID YOU THINK WOULD HAPPEN?!
Also, my guy said they would be around. And i clarified that when I asked him for mushrooms he didn't hear "a mushroom or two" but rather understood I meant "all the mushrooms you can find between now and 4th of July."
I woke up next to a Big Mac box.. And had no sheets or clothes on. The night was a success I think.
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