Turned the water balloon filler into a jungle juice fire extinguisher. Please call me tomorrow afternoon and make sure that i'm still alive.
For the record, chili cheese fritos are not a chaser.
It took him three days to realize his roommate had moved out.
putting weed in the twinkies box was possibly the best idea you've ever had
Okay. But I hope it isn't expensive lingerie. Because I'm ripping it off Hulk Hogan style.
be proud. or at least amused. an 18 yr old and a 25 yr old at least makes my average hookup age this week the same as my age.
We're downstairs cleaning up and she turns to me with these big puppy dog eyes and says "Just so you know, I didn't have sex on your couch". You have to hug that.
I have a kicked-out-of-multiple-bars level hangover today
I miss the "How many Grindr hits can I get while performing in an elementary school?" game.
I missed rounds this morning...my senior resident hooked me up to and IV and made me stay in the clinic because he said I didn't look presentable enough to walk around the hospital
Yeah because the only thing stopping you from fucking Emma Watson is you not being a Gryffindor
In Punta Cana for my bachelor trip, hopefully tomorrow my passport is blacklisted
If so I'm coming over there. There's no way I'm having "hello, how are you" conversations with my neighbors on acid
I feel kind of like we’re in a gang and tonight is one of those “people are gonna know not to fuck with us” type of nights. And then tomorrow I am going to learn to pole dance. I’m not really sure how I got to this point in my life… but I like it.
Your vagina must be outstanding or have a secret entrance to Narnia if someone is will to fly from Texas for one night of it.
Randomize
