Omfg I am plowed. Had drinks with 3 milfs. Going out on their boat tomorrow. They want to show me how buoyant they are.
I was surprised he admitted he couldnt keep up. We both knew but usually they dont come out and say it
You totally drew a penis wizard on my closet that says "I travel for cock rock"
My broken door handle makes it really inconvient for when i need to puke at red lights.
I'm drinking Leinenkugel through a Red Vine. I'm not drunk. I'm just happy with my life so far.
So the guy who is making our IDs is in jail now for attempted murder, with no bail...
So no fakes?
I've actually, minus lsat night have actually changed my drinking habits
He wants Portugal to lose so badly he threw out all the sangria. You know how depressing it is to watch someone dump 4 gallons of heaven?
the shoes thing blows my mind idk how the fuck i did that and im also missing 4 of my birth control pills like did i drunkenly decide to overload my body with estrogen
The tamale guy is fucking with me, I wanna sleep in he wakes me up; early wake-n-bake and he's late and I'm hungry
I think I fucked the doubts about us out of him
I can't come. It's so cold my uterine walls have frozen together like a cherry popsicle.
theres a girl in the library eating whip cream out of a starbucks cup... only whip cream, im way to high for this shit
My brother is coming home and he is bringing a whole bunch of friends with him. I am making him a cake. What should i put on it?
"Open for business" or "I have condoms" would probably work
He called my IUD an IED, and said that’s why I had bomb pussy.... I didn’t correct him
Randomize
