hey dude i know youre in the next room but me and your sister need a condom, got any i could borrow?
rainy day on campus = new personal fetish for girls in booty shorts and colorful rain boots
I'm going to have to call in sick tomorrow. After this weekend, there's no way I can handle hearing the accountants talk about double entry without puking.
I don't even have to sign up for karaoke at duncans anymore. The karaoke ppl just sign me up themselves. Without my consent. I also sang stacys mom to some lady named Stacy who's mom died yesterday.
Abby. I can text perfectly. I pledge allegiance to the flag of the united states of america. and to the republic, for which we stand, one nation under god indivisible and with liberty and justice for all god bless america
It was like an ecstasy filled massage for my vagina.
That's the best compliment I have ever received.
She's cute. And her snoring noises remind me of the incidental music from Jaws.
Then he started caressing my eye brow. Like repetedly. For at least 15 minutes. It was strangely mesmerizing
We had a threesome and he gave us bottle rockets and a lamp for our apartment
A woman with Alzheimer's pointed at me and said, "Don't forget to wear socks, because you're a lady!" I think it's legit advice.
I'm still laying in bed cuz I don't feel like adulting yet
Apparently it's not a "bonding moment" when you realize you use the same porn site as your boyfriend
On a happier note, I can fit in my old shorts. Dope does have its perks
I'm not gonna swipe right, he has better hair than me. Just no.
I'm drinking apple juice and champagne while watching crossroads..like the classy bitch that i am.
Randomize
