Just sold all of my pants in order to buy tonight's whiskey. Goodbye, high functioning alcoholism. Hello, Dad.
I still havent given him the valentines day card i got him. I feel like just writting...."sorry for the horrible blow job i gave u last night." and just giving it to him.
Went to use to bathroom and walked in on karaoke. Two girls singing "a whole new world" to each other in the shower. I'm gonna miss this place in the summer
he just ordered a side of pineapple and winked at me. too much for a first date. come get me.
As a side note, my abs are sore. Most likely cause? Orgasms. Thank you.
How many times can I tell him I wasnt expecting sex before he realizes I'm just too lazy to shave all the time?
ok, she started talking about how she swears her step dad killed her mom. starting to back out of this one
yes he does come on. what guy wouldnt want his penis named after a dragon
Well its official, I'm into significantly freakier sex than even I thought possible.
Props to the guy blatantly doing coke in the bathroom at the bar. Walked out of the stall with a credit card in hand, sniffing loudly and shouting "choo choo"
Had to snap chat three different people to ask who left the bite mark on my thigh. All three said "Wasn't me". Now I can't wear a bathing suit to my mom's pool.
I don't know what's worse. The fact that my biological mother is an unwitting bigamist, or the fact that my half sister is trying to seduce my girlfriend.
Dude, I need a fuckin wingman and this could finally make us eskimo brothers, how can you pass that up?
I'm either hallucinating or there is a dying cat outside my apartment....
Here's a rundown of my night alone. Danced my ass off in the kitchen to FleetmacWood. Drank a little bit. Ordered $40 worth of Chinese food once the drinks kicked in. Picked up said Chinese in dirty sweatpants and slippers. #livinglife
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