I think i ate a live goldfish last night. that i caught with my hand in a kiddie pool. my stomach really hurts.
better question... why wasnt i wearing a cape the previous 20 years of my life???
Said he made a playlist for taking a shit. only two songs on it are the Star Wars theme and "America, fuck yeah" set to repeat.
there is potential here for me to have a consistent access to someone's dick who isn't actually an asshole. i think i'm ready for a relationship.
And then he proceeded to take my heartbeat, because apparently that tells him whether I was faking or not...
I'm still not walking right. We need some boundaries for "drink-or-dare"...
2048oz a keg...divide that by solo cup... comes out to 128 beers...simplifies into 5.3repeating cases...drinkable between two people
and u failed math?
I may hire someone just to sell my family the drugs they keep asking me for. It's cutting into my doing drugs time.
I think I need a restraining order. I had 15 "selfies" of him on my camera roll......my phone has a lock code on it.
I am pretty sure I just put SoCo in the bird feeder
He wants Portugal to lose so badly he threw out all the sangria. You know how depressing it is to watch someone dump 4 gallons of heaven?
Eh. Fuck him. He's missing out. I'm legit naked and drinking straight from the bottle of wine.
Doing a small happy dance cause my cocaine successfully went through airport security
I just want you to know when I bang him in the back of my car later I'll have pony by ginuwine on repeat
You're incredible, and I'm drunk
Randomize
