Just gargled Fireball to get the fish taco taste out of my mouth. Almost as good as gum.
the cashier wished me a happy fathers day while i bought condoms
after the first, "yea you like that baby", i quickly remembered why i had stopped having sex with him.
I'm surrounded by too many unhungover people.
I wouldn't really call it 'getting lucky' considering I paid her to do it.
u know how some weekends you just wanna go out and ruin a relationship? this is one of those weekends
I AM SENDING THIS TEXT MESSAGE SO I DON'T LOOK AT HIM. THANK YOU FOR RECEIVING IT.
I wish I could just hang out in ERs.
I'm sorry. I just realized our 'big night out' ended up being you driving my high ass to get burritos and back.
I'm sitting with my parents watching football and moaned when I saw his shirtless picture. They looked at me weird so I had to turn the moan into a laugh. A sad, really horny laugh.
She curled up in the corner, screamed "THE BLANKET IS SO WARM" and promptly passed out with her face in the dogbed. No one bothered to reposition her.
I had a glass of wine for breakfast. It's gonna be a rough week.
I'm wearing a fleece onesie eating pop tarts on the train to work. Killing it.
If I die at work, I want you to have my mustache collection
Well, I turned down sex again. This is guy #5 in the past 2 weeks. My vagina is going to seek emancipation.
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