totally poinked my lawyers daughter in his hot tub last night. i figure getting off is just compensation for not getting me off.
so my daughter wakes me up this morning and i feel like a vibration so im thinking she has my phone..nope my vibrator
i'm in workout clothes. this is progress.
My professor just used the phrase "balls deep in your mind". My day is officially made.
Your wedding's just one more day in my life I can't wear sweat pants.
Luckily my prof thought I was puking from nerves and gave me motivational mini speeches the entire final.
This isn't fair. Why can't sober me be good at bejeweled?
Dude, we apparently put a washing machine drum in that back of your truck with the full intention of making a bonfire in it.
So bored. I think I've expelled every last gram of jizz from my body.
Apparently when the cops arrived I was standing over him in the bathroom yelling, get the fuck up you piece of shit. Beer still in hand.
i tried to propose to him with my nipple ring but i couldnt figure out how to take it out
He has great taste in girls. I feel closer to my Eskimo sisters than my real sister...
I would definitely ride that dick into the sunset if nuggets are involved
Booze, boobs, blunts and batman. dude, I'm livin' the life.
Sober sex is weird like I didn't expect this when I got clean
Randomize
