Why do my orgasm prompt her to begin using babytalk EVERYTIME?!
it was 5AM and you were field goal kicking solo cups into the sink
new years resolution: more sex, less car punching, more chipotle.
i should probably find things i have in common with someone besides drinking, before having sex with them
you inspire me to be a worse person
The last thing I said to him last night before telling him he couldn't give me a kiss goodnight was pointing at his dick then at me and saying "this isn't working out"
Trying to take a shit right now to the beat of the fuckin drumcircle outside... It's not goin well
I'll keep you from getting pregnant and you keep my papers gramaticallly correct
If you haven't seen a huge black man in tiny red snowflake shorts that barely cover his dick, then you don't know what I'm going through.
He's in the hospital yelling at his brother to at least have stuck something "normal" up his ass.
Again?
Nothing says casual like stairwell bjs
He snapchatted me the wine on the ceiling this morning
So red wine goes with eggs, right? Because that's all I have in the house to cook and the drinking options are either wine or scotch
So his dick was definitely bigger than it looked in all the pictures he sent my daughter.
Yeah I passed out. The last thing I remember is the lady telling me I couldn't play the clarinet with my nose.
Randomize
