The only reason you're wearing underwear tonight is cause you have a family dinner before
so the sex was amazing up until the point where she said "wow, you're even better than your dad!"
We're playing Big Buck Hunter to determine who buys the next pitchers. And they said video games wouldn't help me later in life
The hookah bar is playing i'm on a boat. I believe in god again.
He was sweet. He even warned me that his dick curved, and I quote, "more than a banana."
took 4 advil with a shot of vodka, figure i'd try to save myself now
Just realized I'm marrying a man that's never gone down on me. What happened to my priorities?
hey. so did i get tied up by a jumprope last night?
The venue for the new years party is close to the hospital for obvious reasons.
MAYDAY. glass in foot, have crush on guy with mullet.life is over.
I don't know what that means. But if you take off your pants, you'll probably get arrested.
I mean in all honesty I would let James Franco shit on my chest. End of story
I don't get it. Why have babies when you can have vodka?
Bumble is fuckin insane here. I'm going to break a hip.
Being drunk at Chick-fil-A is a dystopian experience
Randomize
