It's like a parade of train wrecks.
Just set all my clocks a minute apart. Now my 4:20 is longer by sixfold
I am a mess. Weirdest thing: I woke up with a hammer under my pillow. No idea why.
LSHMSFOAIDMT = laughing so hard my sombrero falls off and I drop my taco.
She said I was the most selfish person in bed she's ever been with and she's fucked Tucker Max.
We got baked and watched the cheetah girls on Netflix
You need to not admit that.
i found out she really is a mensa member
so she was the smartest passed out on the floor hair encrusted in vomit girl at the party
I didn't mind you coming over, just I'm quite sure most booty calls don't involve a scavenger hunt...
I had the most traumatic dream I've ever had just now. I ripped my dick off because a girl asked me to and spent the rest of the dream crying about my dick
My boss doesn't know what jello shots are. I've lost faith in this company.
I had a glass of wine for breakfast. It's gonna be a rough week.
What are best friends for?
Picking your clothes up from a one night stand you had nearly 2 months ago
This can only be settled by a dance off.
I told him I thought I was pregnant and he told me he accidentally killed my bird.
Circle of life.
They stopped fighting to partake in M&Ms and porn.
Randomize
