Just found out my drug dealer is also a porn star. It's a good day.
No shame. Just smoked a bowl with a Norwegian. Feels like something to cross off a list.
we put a pacifier in your mouth because you kept drunkenly singing country music.
Are you alive?
I googled "I don't want to vomit anymore," and "how to rip out your uvula," at 9 am this morning, but I'm still here. Uvula and all.
This conversation has now reached a level of awkward that even a passerby streaking hobo couldn't break.
Try explaining "the nature of your relationship" to a cop when your fuck buddy vandalized your car. Priceless.
I just found a contact in my phone named "Sam 'it Won't Fit' Wilson". No clue when or where it came from....
You have all semester to unpack your car, quarter jello shots only last until 10.
Im quite confident that my struggle with sobriety ended last night sometime after dinner
My tinder date had to be home by 8:30 cause she's on house arrest.
So the girl I met at the bar last night came home with me. Played with my puppy. And left.
I've got five complains from the landlord about she being too loud during sex in two weeks I'm marrying her
Is Facebook telling the truth about your nipples?!
And you know what the worst part is? Because of him I can now relate to a goddamn Taylor Swift song. FUCK. MY. LIFE.
You can come over but I have to warn you that it is naked Sunday.
Randomize
