Ppl just aren't as funny as we are
Wanna demo a makeout? Check box yes or no. Or maybe. Okay bye.
my dad told me i had to spend my money wisely..so i spent the money he gave me for a desk chair on weed. ill be so high i wont even notice its gone
He told me his condom was going to expire tomorrow and he needed to use it. I can't believe I fell for it.
grab my backpack.....its in the fridge
My google history shows every combination of "red lobster cheesy biscuits" possible.
I just headbutted my cat because he was trying to eat my bacon.
You were laying in bed whispering and crying to the half eaten burrito saying "why am I shitting so much" and "what did I do to deserve this"
My roommate made me a peanut butter and sprinkles sandwich. Maybe tonight isn't that bad
rumor has it I kept asking you to go to the "tall grass" with me...sorry about that.
Public service announcement: if you would like to continue receiving blow jobs, a 25% increase in fuck-giving will be expected immediately, and you're expected to give an actual flying fuck at least once a week. Brought to you by the ad council.
I'm supposed to be at work in 10 min, I just woke up and am 45 min away...tinder for the win
He ain't mine yet. Gotta have a third date before I pee on him and mark territory.
Oh. Wait. That happened on the second date.
God, I missed his penis.
You ran the halls of the dorm naked handing out condoms. You were the sex fairy. Best you can do if you're not getting laid.
Randomize
