remember that night jesus turned water into wine? DRUNKER.
two words: eviction party
I got him a footlong to apologize for trying to push him off a balcony...
Besides the whole peeing blood for a week thing, it was the best sex of my life.
There were slices of bread pasted to the wall with peanut butter this morning. I don't want to know
Woke up the next morning in an 8 year old's bedroom. Saw my bra swinging from the spiderman ceiling fan and decided it would be best to dip out w/o it.
Phone sex soon? I mean date. Sex date. Date phone.
all 3? possibly?
I think I'm up to the challenge.
who started the 'put a scrunchy' around his balls' game?
Just made a floating bacon boat for the hot tub. This is what America is all about.
I was just lying down, dumping goldfish into my mouth and they like all came out I thought I was going to choke and die and people would be like damn that's so sad, she died laying in bed stuffing her face and reading kanye wests twitter, damn.
nothing says "fuck you jocks from high school my life is better than yours" like bringing 5 grand in 20s to the bar
Literally sucked a dick for ten seconds before I said to myself, this tiny ass penis isn't worth it. My night last night
i just called dibs on the taxi driver at the bar that isnt drinking. im a grown up
You proposed a left ass cheek firmness contest and got a surprising number of contestants. Then you ruined it by groping someone who wasn't playing and awarding them first place.
there is such a gross feeling of satisfaction when the married guy i used to hook up with likes my facebook status.
Randomize
