i hate this light. i wouldnt even hook up with me in this light
I only gave you my number because I thought fat people were jolly
The idiot babysitter thought my dildo was a teething toy and gave it to our child.
Did you put it in the freezer again?
She said "You blew my mind last night." and I said "nah, I just blew my load." and her mom heard.
I just deleted all the drug dealers from my phone, I guess this is growing up
Just ducktaped my beer to my bike. See you in ten.
like stop trying to get a relationship out of this when i'm clearly in the drunken mistakes part of my life.
For her birthday she wants to, " try something different with our butts a funnel and a bottle of whiskey"
At the very least, I mastered a nap while occasionally being dry humped.
I'm sorry I lead life with my vagina.
He turned on read receipts specifically so i'd know he was ignoring me.
Just made a drug contact standing in the sandwich line in the dining hall. Is this real life?
You're my fucking hero.
Ok next time we are filming it. You bring the camera and I'll buy more socks
Took the ex out to the bar, then left with her and her best friend....and you said this was a bad thing.
They want a bedroom just for their cats. And you thought we were gay.
Randomize
