There is no way he is gay with that hair.
i just cleaned out my toilet because i knew that my head would be in it later
On my way home from Vegas. Just realized my pants are inside out
for me the strap perfect is like a chastity belt
Hangover cure: shower, throw up again, sleep for 4 hours, eat salsa, brush teeth. Good to go.
There's never a time that i stay at this apartment that when i wake up in the morning and sit outside to smoke a cigarette that i don't feel ashamed of myself.
You know how I've been hooking up with my ex? Well he told me he loved me and I said I was just there for sex so let's get it done. He looked sad, but he did it anyways. And life was good again.
She has a tattoo on her inner thigh that's an x with a long dotted line. So after she passed out I signed it. Dunno what else I was supposed to do...
I didn't pay for a single drink 'help me I'm poor' was my drink pickup line. it totally worked.
Must say, as a couple, she and I are thrilled that our pretend lesbianism has paid off.
So I'm about to drive his drunk ass home and he spits on my car. Before I can say, "Dude, what the fuck?!", he puts his finger to my lips and goes "shhh, its in the past."
It's nice out. . But after I almost put a bag of chips in the microwave to make nachos. ..I figured it best to not venture too far from the couch
Just smoked the bong while taking a dump. I love living by myself.
I think I was judged by a squirrel this morning during the walk...
I must be really high or they really did just bring me a banana split instead of a burger
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