dude facebook disabled my account because im registered under a false identity. now in order to get it back, i have to prove that it's really my name. i sent them an email and had to sign it "Cordially, Lloyd Pancakes"
Clothes are such an inconvenience.
I didn't wanna be that girl that took a shit in the ocean..
You know there's only so much I can do with a great personality.
When I get home we should play "let's see how many Christmas movies we can watch before we start having sex."
He was handing out home-made business cards that read "finger slamming bitches since 1986"\n
There are 27 signatures on my ass. What the hell happened last night?
Every time someone made a cup you congratulated them by letting them sign your ass.
I'd rather take 10 virginities than catch something. Right now I should be good, I mean the sex with Jake was so bad he can't possibly have an std
Oh shit. The hangover. It has taken 20 mins and 5 attempts to tie my shoelaces
Once you share a nude experience with someone and three Norwegian guys, you're bound for life.
I gave him head during Pitch Perfect 2, I felt like the Bella's were cheering me on with their back up tunes
Because cocaine and lesbian hookups on a Tuesday cannot be the new normal
I've had more orgasms than showers this week.
You know my vagina and my heart have a mind of their own even when it’s pouring snow.
He said he’s shouting let’s get this bread the first time we have sex...
He’s very straightforward
Randomize
