DAMN! I hate it when i drunkenly erase all my "sent message" and wake up in the morning and my inbox is full of "WTF?" and "Huh?" messages.
you sent me 45 texts saying "meow?"
did i?
He has jerked off in so many socks I am surprised he doesn't have athletes dick
made out with three guys on the first night of college orientation, just imagine what joys all of next year will hold
He booked us a hotel at a resort in cancun for sprng break... I just wanted to get laid this weekend when i was blackout i didnt know it was gonna spiral into a mess of events like a 5 month in advance commitment
Just faked two orgasms bc I had too much wine and remembered mid sex that I bought doritos yesterday.
I don't know ur idea of a good first date but I'm pretty sure it shouldn't include him holding my hair while I puke in the street
Ohh man do you know how awkward it is to keep eye contact and have a normal conversation with someone while their hand is in your vagina?
Get your ass over here, we're drinking Patron and watching My Little Pony. Patron and Ponies, do you copy?!
i've created a new STD.
The bump on my forehead, i think, was from falling asleep at front door, on my knees, slumped over. But we played good music so what?
I just changed all my morning alarms to wake me up with different Jesse McCartney songs telling me I'm beautiful. Would you believe I'll be 25 this year?
He showed me a picture of his family on Instagram and his dad was my Sugar Daddy. ABORT.
all I want for my birthday is booze and sex toys. don't bother calling if neither of those are included.
She was gone when I unblacked out, but she had nailed her panties to the wall and wrote “Colleen’s Dick”with a sharpie on the wall. No idea where she got a hammer and nail
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