She texted me and said she was fingering herself. Don't respond to this because she's the perfect girl. I'd love to smell her cell phone after that.
I assume you meant to text someone else on your contact list instead of your own mother...
you haven't felt a hangover until you wake up after a night of snorting tequila.
it's great music for shaving your balls
I'm so in the Halloween spirit, I zombified my all of my nudes on my phone. Tell me this isn't creative.
After you bought Jesus' name tag off him at the Mexican restaurant you commenced to stumbling around the lobby showing anybody who would listen what would Jesus do.
Stop giving me tequila.
Dude. You gotta go home. I think I left the snake hanging on the chandelier.
I'm never drinking again. I saw way more penises than I ever cared to see last night. And I've decided that I'm going to live in Scotland.
I need an explanation for both of these epiphanies.
Didn't want you to think it had been open season on my vagina since we broke up.
Went to work in the same clothes from last night, completely covered in glitter...I didn't choose the hag life, the hag life chose me
I had a dream he was standing in front of me naked and flexing while yelling VICTORY and gizzing all over the floor.
How do you politely tell someone to get out of your house in Russian
I think I'm dead. Also I think I stole $20 from a stripper.
You did. Then gave it to me.
It's been so long since I had sex I might propose to the next girl who will sleep with me.
theres a girl in the library eating whip cream out of a starbucks cup... only whip cream, im way to high for this shit
Do you ever look at your life and go "i'm too sober for this bullshit"?
Every day of my life.
Randomize