Heard at work: Get out of my face before I cuntpunch you so hard your granddaughters have miscarriages. I love my job.
I'm moving there. Get me hired.
Yeah, but I'm out of licorice and there's no way anywhere near here will rent us all mopeds on a Tuesday night.
I don't care if he is my ex... I have the deed to his dick until someone else fucks him. We broke up 2 years ago.... I am still holding that deed!
Just snuck alcohol into the hospital for my mom.
we found you outside the hotel room sleeping with a note next to you that said " we made sure you were comfortable, hope your friends come back soon"
You scratched my dick last night. It deserves an apology and I fell that actions speak louder than words when it comes to apologies like this.
we have to top last new years. except im not ready for jail. that can wait a couple years
Listen to my proposal.... I feed you crackers while I fuck you ever so gently.
Dude. That is just waaaay to much random to process after that tequila battle.
After her AA meeting, she was on the phone with her mom, and when she said, "they're making me start over with Step 1," I quietly sang, "cut a hole in the box".
I didn't think four grown drunk men could cuddle on a twin size bed, but we found a way.
I think I may have just taught my whole hall how to give a good blow job. So this is college.
And to celebrate the raising of our lord I just purchased a bunny buttplug. Am I doing this Easter thing right?
Can we talk about how i drunkenly changed the timezone on my phone last night and just showed up to work an hour early
He wants me to fart in his mouth and is offering me SOOOO much coke. I'm stuck between a rock and a hard place. GIVE ME ADVICE.
Randomize
