It's like alcoholism for beginners at my kitchen table.
i woke up with a wedding ring drawn on my finger...if this was vegas id be worried
it's like a walk of shame rule, you always run into someone who saw you wearing that yesterday
"lets watch the sunrise" turned into "lets have sex on the roof at six thirty in the morning"
We were laying in the basement dry humping to the rhythm of the washing machine
thanks for paying me in special brownies...but brownies dont pay the rent...anymore.
Do not deep throat a rocket pop, it WILL go into your lungs, and you may die.
They actually said and I quote "it definitely looks like your knees went through some over usage"
He put oyster crackers in his ramen noodles. Is that a thing? Because holy shit I had never thought of it before and if it's not a thing he's my new stoner hero for discovering it.
My mom just found my nipple clamps...... oh God why....
We're like adult pinky and the brain when they decided that taking over the world is unrealistic so they aim lower by trying to get drunk every day.
Being sober is boring. Tomorrow I'm def bringing wine and my vibrator to work. Might even booty call that hot guy on floor 5. Making the last week at this job legendary.
You were wearing a sequin mini, with Tevas. And you still got laid.
three of my fingers are bleeding and the only thing on my phone rn is a google search of 'Allison Janney'
He put your tit in his mouth. Professionalism is out the window after that.
okay valid
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