Why does it always sting when I'm breaking the seal taking a piss?
b/c u have herpes
No i said "always", not "since 2003" Asshole.
THAT'LL be a good time.
and i don't know why my phone always capitalizes that word.
I sent the random girl I had sex with last night a 'happy mothers day' text as a reminder to get the morning after pill.
i don't even remember going to get food. i think i got gas too.
How do I politely say my vagina is not a chew toy and if you bite me again I will slap you?
You could say take it easy, whoa there, be gentle, anything that doesn't fully convey the horror.
I don't know where I am and I feel like a hippo shat in my mouth. This sofa is comfy though.
The cab driver was nice enough to let you finish your beer in the car, but you crossed the line when you started to pee in the empty bottle
You were face down in the punch bowl, humming the theme to jaws
That explains the stains on my shirt
You'd think the dry cleaners next door would be less judgmental for as much business as my theme parties bring them.
How was the party? Lets put it this way: "He wants her dick" was a factual sentence stated last night.
Dropping the entire last roll of TP into the toilet is a hurt you don't want to know.
you ate the make a wish sign. Like actually chewed on it. It was our solution to going outside when the cops were there
YOU CANT FOOL THE TOILET
I saw a picture of a baby and it reminded me to take my birth control. Priorities
You were like a drunk and unconscious tickle me elmo.
Randomize
