I dont shave on purpose to keep myself from being slutastic!! it usually works
enterprise is going to pick me up, im too high for this
I just saw a Kleenex commercial and thought about last night. I'm sorry about your hair.
Woke up naked in another mans house. If that keeps happening, then I probably need to go gay. You know to make it ok.
I suppose drinking a cosmo at lunch alone can't look good but I mean... sometimes it's just necessary
i just thought that perhaps i was done with the "boning on someone else's futon" stage of my life. guess not.
We told our cab driver we'd give him 3 grand if he pit maneuvered you guys in your cab.
Like do you hear me I PUKED IN MY OWN HANDS AND HE STILL SAID I WAS GORGEOUS
All I want is to send a text that says "i slept with someone while wearing nothing but purple argyle socks this weekend." But the only person i would send that to is you. But you already know. Because they were your socks.
The porch is breathing.
STAY OUT OF MY SHROOMS YOU CUNT
Getting drunk at 9 am is not a super power.
I still can't believe that dog licked my nipple.
He gave me a box of cheez-its after sex, does that make me a hooker?
all im saying is 27 is too old to still be drinking 40s, you make more money than me, buy some decent shit
screw you you golddigging beer snob
I'm with jana at walgreens picking out penis rings.... Did you know they sell vibrators at walgreens? Wtf?
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