my throat hurts so bad i feel like i just gave head to a cactus.
We almost didn't get a second pitcher, but now we're getting a sixth.
he shattered multiple jars of jelly against his roommates doors last night. this morning the asian one wouldn't even talk to him because he thought he was gonna get beaten up
This is much more drunk than i was intending for a wednesday
just because she threw up on my junk doesnt mean i dont like asians anymore
You can't break up with me and ask me for a handjob on the same day. At least not in that order.
Just got arrested in my crocs and rolled up pants with a mr rogers sweater for literally fucking nothing can u come get me?
He deadlifted me and I came just a little at the apex
I also woke up on my floor. Naked. On a pile of clothes. With my head in the trash can. And a sheet over me.
This dudes playing guitar and singing outside our window and he's like "ravioli is beterrrrrrr than tortelliniIii cause tortelliniiii is shaped like fucking ears"
How'd your Tinder date go?
Well, I met his girlfriend...
Is it okay to get drunk at a baby shower? ....asking for a friend
How are you and your magical vagina doing today?
Last night this creepy guy asked me my name and I told him it was Jaundice and he called me that all night
I smell like beef jerky
That's among the sexiest things you've ever said to me.
Randomize
