i need a wealthy benefactor or a cocktail job. or to start stripping. or kill myself. whatever.
we ended up doing shots out of those medicine cups..swine flu finally did something good for me
she must of just birthed a child cause her labia touched the floor
The smiley face on that pregnancy test is so damn taunting. It's like it's laughing at me for my poor choices.
woke up with a sweatshirt on that said "someone special calls me grandma" and a sword. i'm just going to assume that it was a good night
We've only been driving for two hours and I'm already down 3 vicodin...I'm not going to survive this family vacation.
he grabbed my head and said "you are a horse. I am leading you to water" pushed it down and whispered "Drink."
Im going to hell in a hand basket. With a ribbon tied to my head. I'll be like a puppy for the devil.
He just told me what he wants for his birthday. "a noise complaint" he also said he wants to be the cause of all the noise but he won't be the one making the noise.
For once I am not in the mood. My vagina is good with life at the moment.
The apocalypse has arrived.
Explaining that I bought them at a strip club gift shop with my friend didnt make the furry handcuffs seem less weird
Realizing life ain't all about burritos and strippers, it's a struggle out there, and it ain't looking pretty so far,..
You said too many real things and now I need to crawl back inside my protective fort of sarcasm, being an asshole, and sass
So nothing to worry about, but i'm probly going to jail soon, just thought i should let you know so you didn't worry. Bye!
I hate when he takes the condom off to cum all over me. It defeats the purpose.
It’s like having a barf bag and choosing to puke in your own lap.
Randomize
