So the D.A.R.E. essay I helped my tutor kid write won an award. Oh the irony.
I like to use the word "seasoned" over "slutty", you know, like a good curly fry
Fell off bed. Face first. 10 stitches. huge scar on forehead. totally going to start telling ppl my parents died fighting Voldemort.
She liked every single Facebook status in her newsfeed and then made her status 'I LIKE U GUYS'
I chased a girl up a staircase screaming because she had a cardboard cut out of James Dean which, at the time, I believed to my friend being held against his will
Come down. You're the next contestant on this bowl.
I think I'm goin to jail but either way I had a blast.
My chin is breaking out a bit and feels all itchy and burny like I'm allergic to something. Are you using a new lotion on your balls?
Would jacking off with Benadryl cream be good or bad for the poison oak on my dick?
He was too drunk, and my mother and I ended up babysitting him. He told her I have amazing mouth skills, and that I love the "chorizo" he feeds me. All she said was "And on the list of 30 things you never want to hear about your daughter..." while gripping the steering wheel.Please just fucking kill me now.
i just got referred to as "the Loch Ness Cockster". God bless my Scottish heritage.
Well I mean enduring a 45 minute conversation about C-sections was worth the 9 jello shots those soccer moms gave me.
Thx for last night. I've never had so much fun while being told my life decisions are questionable at best.
Got kicked out of the club and woke up at a frat house. Good night? Couldn't tell you. I got a date out of it I'm glad someone thinks my drinking problem is cute.
Thanks for duct tapping my dick to my leg while I was passed out. I could only aim straight down. I stood on your bed. Have a nice day at work!
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