I think she just tried to waterboard me with her vagina.
well it doesn't count as a walk of shame if he drops you off at your class in his golf cart
I just slapped my cat in the face with my dildo. You were the only one I could tell.
He probs deserved it.
Every good man does.
we decided to do a scavenge hunt for ourself for when we walked back to our apartments. We hid taco bell behind some bushes. I think they are still good.
I went to a bar in my pajamas last night. I'll be there again tonight in a wolf costume.
Oh, and trying to figure out who wants to do Molly in a frat is like asking damn children if they want puppies and candy. So just bring as much as possible.
I think I may be stoned foreverrrrrrrrr. The earth has been around for a long time.
I do wanna see you. And we can just lay here and watch a movie and listen to me cry.
HOW DO I ALWAS FIND THEM?! THERE WAS BE A SOCIETY OF SMALL PENISED MEN AND I MUST BELONG TO IT!
Ryan Reynolds is on sesame street right now. Dressed as a letter A but still sexy as fuck. PBS is so considerate of the stay at home mom.
Homophobes nationwide are huddled in their bunkers tonight and I can't stop giggling. Could be the wine.
Dont worry, the Canadians are more afraid of you then you are of them.
I woke up spooning with two strangers on Saturday morning... I felt like a sexual sandwich
You will be reminded everyday when you witness my majestic mustache.
I just got a handjob in the back of an Uber while a large German dude and a Midwestern fuck-boi sang along in falsetto to the Bohemian Rhapsody.
Randomize
