I hate seeing commercials about babies when i'm high
Yeah, I don't like babies at all
True love is taking a shit with the one you love in the bathroom with you.
The sex was so good, I called my ex during the 2nd time just so he could hear. Is that mean?
just told my mom that i'm having a bad day and she responded with "maybe you should pour yourself a nice drink". good to know that my parents support my future of alcoholism
True friendship; bangin a girl to get ur friends hat back
just found out this city drinks more beer during oktoberfest than rhode island does in a year.. i'm never leaving
They had an entire room dedicated to passed out people. It was like a dogpile of cross faded toddlers drooling on each other.
Jon thought he was that blonde chick from Three's Company when he was shrooming
Buying Plan B right after a lecture on feminism. It's nice to know who I can thank for that right.
I think that last shot was nyquil. Please come gte me. WINGS.
It's 9am. I'm four lines ahead of you already. Wake up.
He's a Shit stain on my heart
Late night whataburger runs are great, except if you're the one that gets left black out drunk puking in the backyard drinking from the water hose
The last thing I searched on my phone was "leave in conditioner on cats." This is where my life is.
Of course he’s dumb. He’s got a 9 inch dick! There’s not enough blood in his body for a big dick and a big brain. It’s science
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